If you are in your 20's or 30's or even 40's and single it may be a bit hard to start dating and "putting" yourself out there again. Especially if you have scars that you may not be comfortable with.  That could possibly be my case. So putting two and two together I had Ovarian Cancer and the only way to get in there is to go in through the abdominal wall.  Which means, yes I have a scar on my stomach.  Which at times can feel a bit odd because I'm not used to it yet I suppose.  Do you feel like this after your surgery? Or even chemo and your hair isn't as long?  Might be different for guys but either way its kind of weird telling the person your interested in "I have cancer".  And honestly loosing my hair as a result of chemo didn't bother me a bit because I knew it would eventually grow back. And.... now its curly too.  

Sometimes I bring it up or my friends will use the "C" card and it comes up. And other times I just allow the person to figure it out, and some how they always do. Maybe because of the short hair.  I have to say that my views towards having a family of my own have changed since being diagnosed, because there is a chance of being infertile and of course always the possibility of a re-occurrence even if you are "cancer free" or in "remission".  So that right there always is stuck in the back of my head because I can't get fully comfortable and just continue living life like there is no tomorrow. If you want to call the maturity go ahead, I'll call it not knowing if tomorrow will be there.  But the best advice is to NOT stop planning and living life and certainly never stop being HAPPY. So when choosing a dating partner, make sure they understand you and what you have been through and make you happy.  

The most important thing to me in my life is my happiness.  :-) Shoot for the stars, there are so many you can't miss!

New updates from Molecular Cancer Research, so does this mean there is a cause? They have found that cancer cells are an infection. Interesting article below, please read if your interested in Molecular Cancer Research. 

"We have confirmed the presence of an active CMV infection in 99% of malignant glioblastoma tumors (ms in revision), and also recently found an active CMV infection in approximately 90% of medulloblastomas (MB) and neuroblastoma (NB) tumors (2 manuscripts). In addition, as Cobbs group, we found the virus in >90% of tumor cells in breast cancer, prostate cancer, colon cancer and ovarian cancer. Importantly, the virus infection remains latent in non-cancer tissue specimens obtained from the same patient, and in healthy control individuals. This new and surprising information suggests that a persistently active and previously undiscovered CMV infection also appear to be present in many tumors. Whether CMV is causative or simply represents an epiphenomenon of malignant tumors urgently requires further elucidation."

http://www.cmm.ki.se/en/Research/Cardiovascular-and-Metabolic-Diseases/Cell-and-Molecular-Immunology/Cia/Our-research/CMV-infection-in-cancer/


BioOncology by tumor types: http://www.biooncology.com/tumor-types/index.html

My friend Jason passed away today.  He was only 35, and was diagnosed with IV Colon Cancer last year about the same time I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. We were actually going through treatment the same time and the same hospital for chemo. He was on the 7th floor and I was on the 4th.  I met him through my friend Raul who reached out to me and introduced us.  We had lunch one day for the first time at Taco Diner in West Village, both of us were hardly able to eat the food because of the side effects.  He was a simple man with few words but I could tell he had a lot on his heart.  Very strong, indeed.  We talked a few times after that and he had beat Hospice more than once before.  

Is it true that the good die young?  This year has been a pivotal point in my life since the day I was diagnosed, I had to make split second decisions on my own.  Back in June they found a nodule in my lungs and I was dealing with emotions of how to handle the fact of re-occurrence. My birthday dinner was fun with friends and I put on a "content" face but the reality was, I was thinking about my life quality.  If it comes back do I really want to be hooked up to a machine for the last year of my life or just live life so fast for an entire month and then kick the bucket?  Don't misinterpret that, I am a fighter or survivor whatever you want to call it.  

At that point my friend whom I have yet to meet Ray, lost his wife Laura to Breast Cancer, stage III-C and I think 35 also (but don't quote me on that).   Just a few weeks later, right around my birthday my friend John's niece past away of a rare form of cancer called Rhabdomysarcoma at the age of 16. 

Was I cheating death? I started to have "Survivors guilt", why did I live and other people around me are dying? I know everyone's stage and type is different and we all handle treatments different depending on how our bodies handle it too and how aggressive the cancer and treatments are.  I hope you can understand why I am so passionate about finding a cure and why I support Molecular Cancer Research, they are finding that some cancers on a Molecular level are acting like different cancers in different areas of the body.  For example: Lung Cancer, diagnosed lung cancer because that is where the tumor is found, but in some cases even though the tumor is found in the lung it can act as breast cancer, for example. 

I am not naive to the reality here. People will die.  I understand the weight that is on my shoulders from making the decision of founding this organization.  

That brings up how I feel about myself and my death.  I don't want to push my views on anyone, I respect you and you respect me.  But I will share how I feel spiritually on this topic. I've said this before I was diagnosed with cancer , God comes first in my life... And my faith is so strong, I can't wait until that amazing day when I die... And I mean that. Possibly because I my life experience or not.  I actually think dying is not as bad as it seems, I doubt its as hard as life is and I doubt it hurts as bad as some wounds and scars from life.  My entire life I have been a "survivor" as my roommate and good friend Christina puts it "My roommate said "That's what sets you apart as a survivor, your vision. You can see pas the bullshit and chaos".  But honestly my feelings are there is something better after the storm passes, calmness in the heart.  

Those are my thoughts, but that brings up turning the table around. I'm ok or at peace with my own death. But handling others death?  I recently met someone I have heard of for a while and we just never crossed paths.  I hadn't thought about how the people left behind would feel.  When I was first diagnosed, some of my closest friends fell off the map and I was upset.  I didn't quite understand how maybe they felt until I met "XYZ PERSON". I was told "its terminal" over coffee, my heart just fell into my gut and all of sudden I was feeling all these deep rooted emotions. The kind of emotions that you have for very closed loved ones, your child for example.  "XYZ PERSON" is not a child nor do I want to baby them, but this is someone I can relate to possibly because of the age, just a year apart.  So even though our views about our own deaths are similar, I was having a difficult time pondering the fact that I had made an emotional connection with "XYZ PERSON" and I didn't want that person to die.  This could be my own "selfish" thoughts.  And honestly I don't even know "XYZ PERSON" that well but I feel love for this person.  But this brings up the fact that yes, its harder for those left behind. Why? Because we are left with the clean up.  It would be so much easier if we all "left" at the same time now wouldn't it. Is there a conclusion to this? I don't think so, its apart of life and we all have to learn how to deal or handle all these emotions and the fact that the other person is "leaving".  

That brings up the five steps of grieving the Kulber-Ross model: The Model of Coping with Dying


The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:[2]

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..."
4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.

To make a long story short, I may be at stage 5 for myself with coming to terms and accepting it.  However, I'm at just barely beginning to figure out that this model goes both ways on a 2-way street. I have said this before too, the end of the world is not as important as the end of one's life...

Some of you may have read the first post about dating back in June and my thoughts. But what about dating another person that has been diagnosed with cancer? This is just how my mind works and I started to analyze the entire thing.  No, I'm not dating some that has been diagnosed with cancer just for the record, I'm not dating anyone at the moment. But what are the chances of you actually finding "True love" or even your "soul-mate" in someone that has also been diagnosed with some form of cancer? Does that mean if it goes anywhere that your children are at a higher risk for a cancer diagnosis in their life time? I have a friend who was 27 when he was diagnosed and was recently married, unfortunately it was too much for the wife and it didn't work out. I have heard more than one story about this tragic ending of relationships.  But what about you and someone else, both cancer survivors or fighters? Would you bail out? Would you understand them better? 

All I'm saying is I would rather experience some form of true love with my soul-mate even it he had cancer too. This means our time would be limited and that too brings up I would rather spend 1-6 months or 2 years fully in-love, happy and emerged in a mutual relationship with someone is fully understands me than end of with wrong person and realize it when I'm 55.  By then I've wasted my life.  So yes, I would. ;-) My life is short and so is your's.

Took some time for myself yesterday, and looked at the sky. Hope you see what I see. :-)

Steve Jobs, Co-Founder of Apple dies at the young age of 56. Read CNN's coverage:http://www.cnn.com/2011/10/05/us/obit-steve-jobs/index.html?iref=BN1&hpt=hp_t1

 "You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."-Steve Jobs

In 2004 Jobs was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and over the next few years battle and survived treatments. In 2009 had a secret liver transplant. At the beginning of this year he took another medical leave due to health complications. He is survived by his wife of 20 years and four children. 

As humans we like to envision ourselves has the "all might and powerful". Especially youngsters like myself, we think nothing can stop us. I was going 120 miles until cancer hit. The reality is that for those diagnosed with cancer, once they are in "remission" or have "no evidence" of the disease always have the risk of complications from Chemo, Radiation, Surgeries, possible infections because the immune system is not strong and the possibility that "they" didn't get all the cancer out. All I'm pointing out is Jobs was diagnosed in 2004 and died 7 years later. I don't the exact cause of death, but I guarantee you once someone is susceptible and there is a possibility of "other" side effects you have a higher risk for developing anything. 

Deciding to take this route in my life is where my heart is telling me to (possibly the voice of the man up above). But the reality is, death surrounds me on a daily basis. And the most important thing is to be in the moment when you are there. Don't let it pass by you.

The point is life is so so very short, the world is so so very small and we are ALL DYING. It's just a matter of time, and all we have is time. So go for want your heart tells you, reach out to those you love, smile at a stranger, give your lunch to a homeless person in need. I can tell you the other side is not as bad as it seams. Don't fear death, in fact it may happen when you least expect it. Fear that you never lived a full and happy life and make sure to give stuff away, you can't spend dollars in Heaven. :-)

Make to read the article first and then read my response below, so you understand: http://www.alternative-cancer-care.com/The_Cancer_Personality.html


I was diagnosed with an advanced stage of Ovarian Cancer(3-C) 10/2010.  I have to agree that "stress" in my life and unresolved issues that I was unable to cope with led to a low immune system.  Like the article states I'm "Being highly conscientious, caring, dutiful, responsible, hard-working, and usually of above average intelligence."  I don't about the intelligence part! Jk! But I'm definitely "street smart".  
It also states that  "Often lacking closeness with one or both parents, which sometimes, later in life, results in lack of closeness with spouse or others who would normally be close." And the truth is, yes I lack that relationship with both parents due to they both suffer from mental illness, one has Borderline Personality disorder and the is Schizophrenic, you do the math.  The other thing I'm pin pointing out is the statement of:  "Reacts adversely to stress, and often becomes unable to cope adequately with such stress. Usually experiences an especially damaging event about 2 years before the onset of detectable cancer. The patient is not able to cope with this traumatic event or series of events, which comes as a "last straw" on top of years of suppressed reactions to stress."Prior to moving to Dallas for work in July of 2007, I took on legal custody of one of my younger sisters who also was diagnosed with a disorder, Bi-polar. I'll leave that at that. In  2008 I took on anther younger sister and was legally responsible for two teen-age sisters while also managing a retail chain of five stores and all the employees.  Things definitely became "For the majority of people, coping with stress and highly stressful or traumatic events or conflicts is dealt with, with relative ease." And let's not talk about raising my brother and three younger sisters in Mexico, that another blog/book deal! The point here is I agree with this article, that is my personally opinion.  Stress became a causing factor, I emotionally was unable to handle the situation of two younger sisters, one with a disorder, a break up because the guy I was dating at the time decided he wanted to be gay (and I love gay men and have a gay sister). But I don't want to date you. In February 2009 I became very ill with a pulmonary infection that nearly killed me! I was bed ridden for about two weeks. After that it was a down-ward spiral with my personal life, work and emotions were out of whack.  My life was about to spin out of control until, September 22, 2010 I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.I suppose CANCER was a very clear sign from the man above saying, slow down and love yourself.